Intercepted E-mail:
Last year this series of messages was intercepted, I thought you might be
interested. This serves as a warning to all who tend to go overboard with lavish
gifts designed to impress — thinking that is the reason for the season.

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
December 26
Dearest Bill:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest Love and Devotion,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
December 27
Dearest Bill:
Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine – two turtle
doves! I’m delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have
to get a cage for them.
With deepest Love,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
December 28
Dearest Bill:
Oh! Your third gift arrived! You really went too far, I think. I don’t deserve such
generosity – three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest –
you’ve been way too kind.
Love,
Sara
……………………………………………………….

FM:Miss Sara Truelove
December 29
Dearest Bill:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they’re quite nice,
but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more….so please, no more birds!!
But, thanks.
Affectionately,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM:Miss Sara Truelove
December 30
Dearest Bill:
What a surprise! Another present….and not a bird this time! Wow!
Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each
finger. You’re just too extravagant, but I love it!
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves,
but the rings are wonderful…and so quiet!!
All my love,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
December 31
Dear Bill:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.
So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge!
And it was bird poop that they were laying… complete with a large count of
coloform bacteria. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining.
The police came by with a formal complaint, and I can’t sleep through all the
racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for the new years eve celebration
tonight.
Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!!
Cordially,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
January 1
Bill:
Happy New Year…to some people. It hasn’t been so happy with me.
What’s with you and those dumb birds? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of practical joke is this? There’s bird guana all over the house
and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I’m a nervous wreck.
You have gone too far, bird brain.
STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS!! GOT IT?
Sincerely,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
January 2
OK, WISE GUY:
I think I prefer the birds over this. What am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a yard full of cow
patties? Their piles are all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house.
Leave me alone.
NO MORE OF YOUR “GIFTS”.
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
January 3
Hey, Vacuum-for-a-brain:
What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there’s nine ladies dancing…
right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house.
The way they’ve been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call
them ladies.
You’ll get yours, buddy.
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
January 4
You rotten piece of cow patty:
What’s with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs
so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead.
They’ve been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows.
At least, I don’t have to worry about them any more.
However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhea.
My living room is a sewer! The City Commissioner has subpoenaed me
to give cause why my house shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m filing a complaint to the police about you!
One who means it.
………………………………………………………..

FM: Miss Sara Truelove
January 5
Listen, brainless:
Now there’s eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping…
except when they’re chasing those maids or dancing girls.
The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds
ever did.
What am I going to do?
There is a petition going around to evict me from the neighborhood.
I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Sara
………………………………………………………..

FM: Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
January 6
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove.
The damage, of course, was total.
She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the
twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove
at Happy Glen Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you
on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Firm of Sue, Pillage, and Plunder

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